Hola! Vas a ser mis prisioneros!

4/28/05
Dear Diary-- Today I told Colombian President Alvaro Uribe that the US is totally down with Bogota. It's really good to know that that we have an ally and friend in South America. I mean, it's just totally awesome that Uribe got all that land back from those stupid left-wing rebels, so awesome that a little problem like the right-wing paramilitaries barely even matter. I'm glad Plan Colombia lets us give Uribe $600 million a year to extradite all those drug traffickers to the US to face real justice; I really think our war on drugs is working, and violent crime in Colombia is the lowest it's been in 16 years! I just wish Chile and El Salvador were as juiced as Colombia, since I have to go there too. Also, I think it's so not cool that Venezuelan Prez Hugo Chavez is talkin' trash about me like "Perhaps a pawn tells a Queen what she wants to hear to make her laugh..." I mean is he talking about chess or does he really think America is a monarchy or something? I am the Secretary of State for the United States of America, dammit! And America is a democracy-- Duh!!!

Colombia is so DOWN

Dear Diary,

I'm really glad we're gonna go on supporting Colombia's fight against drug traffickers and left-wing insurgency even when Plan Colombia formally expires soon. I mean, how awesome is it that Colombian authorities won back large areas of land from left-wing rebels? I totally HATE rebels -- unless they are pro-PEACE, pro-Justice, and pro-DEMOCRACY. I'm pretty sure President Alvaro Uribe is the most loyal US ally in South America. So it's not even a big deal to give him more than $600 million a year to fight drug-traffickers and rebels.

I LOVE my job!!!!

Rockin' it in the Moscow

4/20/05

Dear Diary -- I am totally concered with the progress of democracy and media curbs in Russia. The Kremlin's consolidation of power is clearly VERY worrying. I mean, I don't want to get all up in Putin's shit, but the trends are way negative on the democracy side, so he'd better stay in the sucka-free zone and forget about a third term! I'm just trying to help Russia's asses fight the spread of nuclear technology. Why people gotta be all makin' bomb threats at me and shit? This crap had better not happen in Lithuania on Wednesday.

Yeah, Kofi -- I'm talkin' to you

Dear Diary,

I don't think Kofi gets it. The UN cannot survive as a vital force if it does not get its shit together and reform. I mean, it's an important institution and everything, but there are some things about the United Nations that suck asshole right now.

I definitely think John Bolton, would do an AWESOME job helping update, reform and strengthening it. I mean, no way Bolton would have let people find out about that scandal over corruption in its oil-for-food program for Iraq. He would also never have let the press get a hold of the accusations of sexual abuse committed by UN peacekeepers in Africa.

UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan SAYS he understands that change is urgently needed, and he's proposed a series of sweeping reforms... whatever THAT means.

Laura is SUCH an attention seeker!!!

4/7/05
Dear Diary!!! I saw the Pope's body at St. Peter's Basilica! There were like a million people there trying to see him. It was awesome -- I mean, as awesome as the dead body of an important Catholic figure can be... Nevermind. Anyway, the US delegation was George, me, Laura (uck!), and former Prezzies Clinton and Bush Sr. (Ha! Ha! Carter didn't get to come!). I definitely think being Secretary of State is WAY better than being National Security Advisor! I wonder if I will get three coffins when I die; I'm pretty important too, afterall. (Don't I look totally solemn in this picture?!)