Dear Saudi Arabia,

Ya'll got 180 days to get your shit together. And by "get your shit together," I mean "make progress with respect to religious minorities or else to face economic sanctions."

So there.

love,
Condi

Holla at ya girl, Syria!

Dear Diary,

Syria needs to represent and get on the right side of the events that are going on in the Middle East. I mean, it's all right that the Syrian government agreed on legal procedures with the UN to allow it to question witnesses as part of the probe into Hariri's assassination. But really, I want Syria to stop their BS and cut off the routes that insurgents are using in Syrian territory to penetrate into Iraq and kill innocent Iraqis. So, duh, that means to close off support to Palestinian rejectionists (who are the single biggest threat to progress in the Israeli-Palestinian rapprochement, BTW) and to make certain they stay the fuck out of Lebanon's shit.

Testify!

Um... I AM NOT RETARDED, Iran

You're fucking kidding, right?! Does the UN not get that anytime you have a nontransparent government that has hostile intentions toward our interests and those of our friends in a region as volatile as the Middle East, it's dangerous?

I am not one to talk shit about people, but Iran is not just a normal state. Iran is the largest supporter of terrorism worldwide and certainly in the Middle East. Iran has a terrible human rights record. And P.S. it's a state whose political circumstances are going backwards, not forward.

Why do I feel like I am the only one who sees that we have a serious problem? I mean, how much longer do I have to pretend to be diplomatic before we can get out the big guns and blow their shit up?

Insert eye-roll here

Dear Diary,

I am SO over John Roberts. OBVIOUSLY, Judge Roberts meets the highest standards required for service on the United States Supreme Court as chief justice -- EVERYONE'S SAYING IT. I wish the stupid Senate would just get over themselves and agree now, since they're going to eventually anyway.

It's just like, other people, namely me, are doing really IMPORTANT things right now in the international community.

Whatever. I'm not gonna stress out about it. I know the President still likes me the best!
; )

Do NOT step to this, Iran

Dear Diary,

Um, I'm not sure what Iran's problem is, but for some reason they've warned the UN's atomic agency not to refer it to the Security Council over its nuclear program.... Um, afraid of sanctions much?

I mean, DO NOT threaten MY ASS that a move to impose sanctions could prompt you to start uranium enrichment in addition to the uranium conversion process that you've already resumed!

I've got news for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: It is NOT your "inalienable right" to produce nuclear energy, your uranium program is NOT legal, and I don't know what you've been smoking, but there is NO "nuclear apartheid" that permits some countries to enrich fuel, but not others.

Don't hate just because the US can have nuclear weapons and you can't, beeyatch.

so much for getting my hopes up

Dear Diary,

Major bummer today. So, I'm sitting in the UN General Assembly thingy, when George starts writing me a note -- pretty cool, right? That's what I thought, too. But it turns out, he wasn't writing me a love sonnet or asking me out on a romantic date or anything (not even a freaking night-cap!) -- he needed to take a piss! Of all the things, Diary! I was so disappointed. When is he going to realize that I am the only one who can make him happy? Laura doesn't have a clue....

"Gross Imbalance of Power"?!?!?!?!?

Okay, WTF are Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and South African President Thabo Mbeki trying to "allege"?! I for one, do NOT see a problem with the UN Security Council. There's no way that just because I happen to belong to a "rich and powerful nation" that I would participate in blocking the council's reform. I fail to see what is wrong with the structure that was established in 1945. I understand that people get frustrated and everything, but there are already 15 people with totally good intentions on the council. No way are we giving permanent seats to India and South Africa; it's like, don't you think you should concentrate on handling your own "forces of darkness" before you try to help other countries? People who think the UN isn't "representative of the contemporary world" are just jealous that they can't use "their power to perpetuate the power imbalance in the ordering of global affairs" too.

All I have to say is that India had better fall in line with Europe and us in regard to curbing Iran's nuclear program. Bitches.

O'Reilly Factor

Yeah, that's right, Diary. I was on "The O'Reilly Factor" on Fox News!

Unfortunately, even though I looked WAY hot for my interview, it wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be.

I mean, why can't people focus on the positive aspects of this administration? Why people gotta be all up in my face with like, is Bush is racist? How come the rescue efforts for the Blacks in New Orleans were so lame? Why are you failing in Iraq?

The President definitely cares about equality in America. I know how much he cares that inferior kids get a fair shake in the educational system. And I think the reason it's hard for people to see that we're doing well in Iraq is that it's a lot easier to see the violence every day.

So suck it, bitches! Bill O'Reilly, you are a douchebag!

OH, HELL NO!!!

Dear Diary,

I am NOT going to let these World Summit bitches dictate US international policy! I CAN'T believe that NONE of my open appeals to China, Russia, India and other nations to threaten Iran with sanctions for refusing to halt its nuclear program worked! How many times do I have to tell these people that Iran needs to get a message from the international community that is a unified message?

And then I can't believe that Iran's new president, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, urged the U.N. not to bend to U.S. pressure!!! It's like, mind your own fucking business, son! How can I get the Security Council to do whatever I say? Then Iran will have to resume negotiations with the European Union, and I would be the big winner of the General Assembly! Ha! Kudos to me!!!

Stinky General Assembly

Dear Diary,

I bet you're wondering how awesome it is to be the US Secretary of State, right? Well, I'll tell you: Most of the time it's pretty awesome, but sometimes you have to do really boring stuff, like go to the UN for the General Assembly meeting.

Diary, everything that happens at the UN is totally lame. Most people don't even agree with us about peace & justice. Plus the room is full of stinky-ass men. (BTW, John Bolton has hella bad B.O.) I can't wait 'til this shit is OVER.

George is NOT racist...

Ugh! I will NOT stand by and let this nation criticize my husb-- I mean, the President! The suggestion that George might be even a little bit racist is totally poisonous!

It is NOT his fault that the hurricane disproportionately struck poor blacks in New Orleans. If anything, this gives us an opportunity to rectify the historic injustices that the Black people face in the South.

I mean, you can't go to any other meeting around the world and show me the kind of diversity that you see in America's Cabinet, in America's foreign service, in America's business community, in America's journalistic community. We let Blacks do all kinds of things in this country. They are totally lucky to be here. Show me that kind of diversity anyplace else in the world, and I'm prepared to be lectured about race, suckas.

PS- Colin Powell, keep your trap shut! You're not Secretary of State any more, so NO ONE CARES if you think that there were a lot of failures at a lot of levels - local, state and federal. So there!

PROPS TO GAZA!

Whoa! How proud am I of Israel and Palestine? SO PROUD!

I totally think this is an historic moment for both sides, and the commitment of both sides to a successful disengagement process has been super-impressive.

I think that peace is now pretty much a sure thing!

Score!

Why people gotta be trippin'?

Okay, I KNOW there's been a hurricane and stuff, but a powerful world leader DOES need some time to relax and pick up totally expensive shoes at Ferragamo. Why people gotta be trippin'?

Last night I want to go see "Spamalot" at the Shubert, and it was so hilarious it made me cry... but then I cried tears of sadness after other members of the audience booed me when the lights came up after the show.

And then yesterday on Fifth Avenue, this crazy lady came up to me in a store, and was all, "How dare you shop for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless!” I had that bitch PHYSICALLY REMOVED by my security.

Whatever! I don't need to go to cabinet meetings if I don't want to! And it's not like Katrina was MY fault!