People keep asking me if I'm going to run for president

Dear Diary,

People keep asking me if I'm going to run for president.

Don't they know a sista got better things to do with her time? I mean, it's totally flattering, but I know that my strengths are spreading Peace and Freedom, putting the smack down on terrorism, and rockin' my pearls. All I want to do is spend my last two and a half years as Secretary of State working closely and intimately with the President, so I can enhance his, um, his, vision for democracy."

Don't get me wrong, I do believe I have a role at home too -- to talk about the policies, to discuss them, to debate them. It ain't no thang for me to run up on some people who disagree and debate them.

But I think when I'm done as Secretary of State and the birth pangs of the new Middle East have subsided, I'll either go back to Stanford to teach and write or I'll become president of the 49ers or something like that because I love sports.

TERRORISM is the new FASCISM!

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, Donald Rumsfeld, our fearless Defense Secretary, made some totally insightful comments about how the trend for this fall's global crisis will be a "new type of fascism" -- which is cool, because I think the term terrorism was getting a little old. I think this will really spruce up the counterterrorism policy’s image in the eyes of the public.

I, for one, am glad someone is finally pointing out the obvious. It should be as clear as day that when Americans question whether or not the most effective way to get the bad guys is by exterminating innocent people it’s EXACTLY the same as when Americans ignore the bad guys exterminating innocent people! It’s way awesome that Rumsfeld stood up to the Administration’s critics and helped them put things in a historical context, so they can see clearly that the Terrorists are the new Nazis, and the Muslims are the new Jews. Now that things have been put into perspective, I'm pretty sure people will quickly come to understand that it is okay to murder innocent people, as long as you stop the bad guys from murdering them first.

HOLLABACK, AMERICAN LEGION NATIONAL CONVENTION!

Dear Diary!

Today I received the 2006 American Legion Auxiliary Woman of the Year Award!!!

I am so glad that somebody finally recognized that I am all about advancing the quality of life for others and making a positive impact on the men and women of our Armed Forces, veterans and their families!

Hear that?! I am an exemplary woman, bitches!

PS- You can be sure I warned the convention about the dangers of pulling out of Iraq prematurely. I KNOW those girls knew what I was talking about. Nobody likes a premature pullout. Nobody.

SO NOT FLATTERING

Dear Diary,

I’m a little upset with the imagery coming out of Beirut right now. Today I was depicted on a banner as some sort of a monster with bad teeth! I think the Hezbollah supporters in the densely populated areas of they city that were destroyed by Israeli forces must be a little confused. Why don’t they realize that Hezbollah terrorists are keeping Freedom and Democracy from flourishing – not me. I’m the one who supported bombing Lebanon in order to help the people!

On the other hand, I suppose it’s possible that whoever wrote “the terrorist” on the picture in Arabic intended to write “the terrorist conqueror” instead; although that doesn’t explain why the drawing was so unflattering…. Hmm. I’m totally mystified.

Justice

Dear Diary,

I'm really glad that Leon Caver got a 34-year jail sentence today for shooting my senior naval advisor Frank Ponds in October 2004.

Supposedly Caver shot his nephew because a relative willed her property to Frank and not to him, but I'm pretty sure he was just way jealous of Frank's job. I mean, who wouldn't want to work hand-in-hand with me to bring peace and democracy to the world? Who, I ask you? You're right if you're thinking the answer to that question is: NOBODY.

PS- I might be from Alabama, but I am going to be wary of people from Autaugaville from now on.

IRAN

Dear Diary,

Dammit! Iran is making me totally mad lately!

Like today in the Security Council meeting, Iran's top nuclear negotiator, Ali Larijani, was all "We're willing to immediately resume talks about our nuclear program." And then Gonzalo Gallegos was all, "Um, yeah. So are you gonna stop your uranium enrichment?" And Iran was all, "Uh. No comment." And then Gallegos was all, "We acknowledge that Iran considers its response as a serious offer, and we will review it. The response, however, falls short of the conditions set by the Security Council, which require the full and verifiable suspension of all enrichment-related and reprocessing activities."

I mean, doesn't Iran WANT to improve their access to the international economy through participation in groups such as the World Trade Organization and to modernize its telecommunications industry?

Iran is so not going to adhere to the August 31 deadline under U.N. Resolution 1696 to halt uranium enrichment. I hope they're down with U.N. sanctions.

I am way more hard core than anyone else

Dear Diary,

I'd just like to say again that even though it's a good first step, I don't really think the UN peace plan for Lebanon will work. I'm glad I had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

Regardless, George and I are super glad that Hezbollah has been defeated by this month-long conflict. We think it was totally worth all the devastation and loss of life. We can't wait to rebuild Lebanon without any Arabs and Muslims! I'm pretty sure Israel is excited too.

I'm so over this invasion...

Dear Diary,

Why does everyone think the US should urge Israel to end hostilities against Lebanon and Hezbollah? I mean, isn't this all Iran and Syria's fault? They sponsor Hezbollah. They are encouraging this radical brand of Islam like it's their job!

What is the opposite of "being down with communism"?

Dear Diary,

May I just say that I am so not okay with Fidel Castro being replaced by another dictator. I know I said we'd be cool while Fidel is on the way out, but I can't help thinking that this is such a good opportunity for Peace and Justice to triumph! I mean, how awesome would it be if we got to make Cuba a Democracy?! I am all for Cubans speaking as they choose, thinking as they please, and worshiping as they wish, but an invasion by the USA could really expedite their happiness, right?