Soooo not thinking about sudan right now

Dear Diary,

Super busy today.

George and I met with Special Envoy for Sudan Andrew Natsios. He strikes me a total douche. I hope he doesn't F this up like he did Boston’s “Big Dig.”

I also had an interview with Larry Kudow. We chatted about how people in North Korea probably eat bark and how it's awesome that North Korea has decided to resume 6-party talks.
We also talked about how annoying Syria and Iran are in regard to Iraq. It's like, Hello, could you not interfere, please? You are impeding the march of Democracy! (I totally urged the UN Security Council again today to get their act together so we can sanction Iran for their uranium enrichment! Hee hee!)

I really feel like I am going to stabilize the shizz out of this world before I'm done here! What a great Halloween!

Watch your back, Lebanon

Dear Diary,

On October 26, I had an interview with the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation. It was okay, but it's always hard to give people news about possible intended assassination attempts on them -- which is what I had to do.

I feel like I did the right thing though, you know? I mean, I would definitely want to know if one of my friends knew that there are people who would like to destabilize the government of Prime Minister Siniora. Nobody likes surprise intimidation or assassination.

I said I didn't want to blame anyone in particular (Syria), but I think I made my info clear: the evidence is there that foreign influences have -- ever since the assassination of the former prime minister Rafiq Hariri -- have totally tried to use assassination and intimidation against the Lebanese people.

I'm just saying, the international community believes there should be no foreign intimidation of the Lebanese people, and like, the United States is absolutely dedicated to trying to solve the problems of the Middle East. Lebanon really has a chance at a true democratic future where all Lebanese can be represented, and it would so not cool if that chance were thwarted.

PS- I also gave mad props to Resolution 1701. That's going to make it so for sure that stuff like the war in Lebanon this summer won't happen again.

Hola, you!

Dear Diary,

Me cae super bien a Dominican Republic President Leonel Fernandez. He is totally guapo! I got all nervous when I was welcoming him to the US today. He smells like coconuts and sweet lovin'.

Did I stutter or something?

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I feel like saying to North Korea:

"Look bitches, do you not realize that your crazy-pants nuclear test requires a strong response from, like, the free world?

You need to recognize that your behavior totally poses a regional challenge. You need to respect the fact that Russia, Japan, China, and SoKo want a denuclearized Korean Peninsula like I want to be Tina Turner -- i.e. A LOT. "

But then Diary, sometimes I feel like saying to South Korea:

"Um, you guys do realize it's your asses that are on the line if Kim Jong-il-na-na isn't kept in check with your "sunshine policy"? And you do realize that he would invade your asses in a second, if we weren't there protecting you? Why won't you just give some love to Resolution 1718?!"

I have a thankless job.

super bizzy

Dear Diary,

Can I just tell you how nice it is to be home again? I wore a charming red sut in honor of the occasion. Unfortunately, I had like, no time to relax with my super full schedule:

I had to make plans to meet with Kofi about the weak-ass expulsion of U.N. envoy Jan Pronk from Sudan. I, for one, am really tired of the situation in Darfur deteriorating.

I had to meet with Dutch Foreign Minister Bernard Bot because... um, well, I'm not sure why, but it was perfectly pleasant.

I sat down with Mohamed ElBaradei, Secretary General of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) and talked about how we still totally want to sanction the crap out of Iran and DPRK. I mean, we are already doing it, and we are going to do it more, but we're still hoping for more sanctions beyond that! Yipee! It's like one big sanction party!

And later I said basically the same thing to Israel's Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Transportation and Road Safety, Shaul Mofaz. Everyone can totally rest assured that the US is determined to stop Iran's nuclear program.

arrogance and stupidity are in the house?

Dear Diary,

I wish Alberto Fernandez - director of public diplomacy in the state department's Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs - would keep his fat trap shut.

What are these? Sunflowers?

Dear Diary,

Doesn't Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov know that diamonds are a girl's best friend? And last time I checked, flowers were not made of diamonds. Oh well, at least Russia has indicated it will strictly enforce sanctions on North Korea. Yay!

It would be nice if Russia stopped censoring their press and helped me punish Iran for their nuclear dreams, too.

I think I look best in winter colors

Dear Diary,

In Beijing, chilling with Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing. We talked about a lot of things: like North Korea, Iran, Sudan, human rights.... (We did not talk about how totally hot I look in my new suit and pointy, black, kitten-heel pumps.)

Luckily, we are both down with the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. I think the message China gave North Korea during their meetings in Pyongyang was that China is giving much love to Resolution 1718. The Chinese obviously wanted to send a message to the North that they had engaged in very wack behavior that China did not support. China also wants to try and get a return to the diplomatic path and to the six-party talks.

Word.

Seoul Train

Dear Diary,

Today I was keeping it real in South Korea, having some discussions with my boys, Foreign Minister Ban Ki-moon and President Roh.

The discussions were way helpful.... Well, actually, by "discussions" I mean "me telling them that we're not going to F them in the A in regard to defense agreements and defense cooperation." So that was good.

I also was there to give props to Resolution 1718 (aka Resolution: Sanction North Korea's Ass). I reassured SK that they don't need to freak out that there might be some sort of quarantine or a blockade along with the Resolution. I know I'm not gonna be down here searching no cargo-holds.

Basically, I wanted to make it clear that United States agrees that the purpose of Resolution 1718 is to denuclearize the shizz out of the Korean peninsula. That means it would be cool if North Korea would return unconditionally to the six-party talks and rapidly implement the agreement of September 19.

I think it went well.

I'm gonna wash that totally-annoying-dictatorship right outta my hair...

Dear Diary,

You know what I LOVE about a nuclear crisis? Well, NOTHING, I'm afraid.

So I'm over here in Asia, running my ass ragged, trying to get these bitches to support sanctions against North Korea. I mean, Japan has my back -- what is Russia, China, and South Korea's problem?

My conversation with Foreign Minister Taro Aso was cool. We discussed the security situation in the region in light of the North Korean nuclear test and earlier, the North Korean missile test. The UN Security Council is so not down with either of those cases and North Korea definitely needs to recognize. Their behavior is way unacceptable and it's totally isolating them from the international community.

Nobody wants that nuclear shizz spread around like the clap.

Frowny Face

Dear Diary,

I hope Iran is also going to get the message the UN Security Council is sending to North Korea. I mean, I am not making these anti-nuclear resolutions for my health.

Now I have to go recruit Japan, South Korea and China to help me isolate the shizz out of North Korea.

I'm so over the 'axis of evil.' Can I get some Non-Proliferation Treaty respect?

O.M.G.

Did North Korea explode a crazy-pants nuclear weapon?!

Arghh!

So lame. So, so lame.

I guess "North Korea" is the new "Terrorism". Boo.

IS THAT THE SMELL OF... RICH?

Dear Diary,

The Kurds totally have oil!

Seriously! They’ve been signing all these deals with international corporations to explore their region for oil!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

I, for one, think it’s great that the Kurds are able to make economic progress in these times of bitter, hostile chaos. Oil is awesome, so it should definitely make Iraq more unified. More oil = more unified, I always say. I don’t think the rest of Iraq really needs to worry about the Kurds not wanting to share the wealth.

I do think I’ll ignore the fact that the Kurds have banned the display of the Iraqui flag in government buildings. I mean, Kurdish leader, Massoud Barzani, says he’s down with a federal democratic and pluralistic Iraq, so even if the Kurds have the right to self-determination, it will be totally fine, right?

PS- I don’t think the effigy of me that was burning during a Hamas protest in the West Bank was very good. It didn’t look anything like me.

Wheeeee! A GOLDEN THRONE FOR ME!!!!!! I LOVE IRAQ!!!!!

Dear Diary,

Since it's election season, I thought I'd zip on over to Iraq after my meetings in Israel this morning.

But when I got to Iraq, my plane couldn't land for 35 minutes because there was "indirect fire" —from mortar rounds or rockets or something — in the airport area. It's a good thing I'm here now, because damn, this place is really a hot mess.

So, when I met with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and his peeps, I was all, "Ya'll don't have time for endless debates on the issues. You gotta get your asses on it."

It's like, look man, I don't have time to figure out how you're going to divide your oil wealth, or change your constitution to fit the needs of your country's various regions, or stop your sectarian violence. That's not why I am here. I am here to bring a message of support. I am here to support all the parties and to press all the parties to work toward that resolution quickly because obviously, the security situation is totally CRIZZ-AZY and is not one that can be tolerated, and it is not one that is being helped by political inaction.

I’ve got my own problems. More than 2,700 American troops are dead and we've spent over $300 billion. What am I supposed to do with that? But I do want Iraq to know that I'm there for them if they need me!

You want me to spit out my gum into your hand?

Dear Diary,

I spent the morning in Israel, talking with Israeli Defence Minister Amir Peretz and Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni about easing up on the restrictions on the Gaza borders.

They were not amused by that.

I think they want Gilad Shalit back.

Ramallama-ding-dong (REALLY inappropriate, I know)

Dear Diary,

Yesterday afternoon, I was in West Bank town of Ramallah, hanging out with Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. I told him that the US is totally down with Islam, just like people in Palestine! I told him it’s super lame that the humanitarian and economic situations in the territories are so sucky – especially during Ramadan. I mean, no one wants to do the “all day fasting thing” and then not have any food with which to break it.

Don’t get me wrong, I gave Abbas mad props for his leadership and told him we totally want to support him and the Palestinian Authority – just not Hamas, because they are dumb. It’s too bad Abbas couldn’t get Hamas to agree to a national unity government. I am really not down with a civil war between the Fatah and Hamas. Anyway, if like, Hamas would be cool, I could definitely see us trying to help the Palestinian people to move within their territory, look for ways to end the violence, and come up with ways to make possible a life for them that is not subject to the kind of daily humiliations that we know have been associated with the occupation. That would rule.

BTW, Hamas Prime Minister, Ismail Haniya – if, when you say that I care “only to rearrange this region and to rearrange the Palestinian scene in a way that serves the American and Israeli agenda” you mean, “she is very pretty and will help us make a wonderful democracy that is just like America’s” then yes, you are correct.

Now who do I have to call to get those border crossings opened?

il-na-na

Dear Diary,

I AM SO FREAKING MAD AT NORTH KOREA RIGHT NOW!!!!

I'm getting really tired of Kim Jong-il being so attention-starved. It's like, hello? Do you have any oil? No? Then be quiet. Feed your people or something.

Where did Pyongyang get the idea that the US even cares? I am the Seretary of State and I don't even know why they think we're giving them an extreme threat of a nuclear war and sanctions! It's so junior-high to be like, "I didn't get invited to the popular kid's party, so I'm gonna be compelled to conduct nuclear tests and bolster my nuclear deterrents, as a self-defense measure."

Plus it is totally weak of him to do this now because 1. I am way busy in the Middle East and 2. It looks really bad that there is some crazy-pants man in North Korea with nukes and we can't control him and he is hella pissed at us. I think the American people might start questioning why we went to Iraq instead of N.K.... which is poo.

I mean, could they stop boycotting the six-nation talks so Japan and South Korea can un-bunch their panties?

One love...

Dear Diary,

Today I am in Jeddah giving a press conference about how cool it would be if the Hamas-led Palestinian government would recognize Israel. It's really beginning to concern me that innocent Palestinians are being hurt by factional infighting. I so want Saudi's involvement in the stabilisation of Iraq, and I want Saudi's involvement in the stabilisation of Lebanon, through resources and political support. I think it would be totally helpful if they were supportive of and working toward helping Prime Minister Maliki's national reconciliation plan.

I mean, it's like, George and I have a dream of 2 states, Israel and Palestine, but SOME people keep messing it up (cough cough, Iran and Syria).

Whatevs. I'm off to Cairo to chillax with the "moderate" Arabs: Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, United Arab Emirates, Oman, Qatar and Kuwait. You know, the ones who aren't all "crazy-pants."

"State of Me Whuppin' You Upside Your Head"

Dear Diary,

Um. What am I supposed to say? It really hurts that that poop-face, Bob Woodward, would write so many horrible lies about me.

I was an awesome National Security Advisor!

It's like, no, I do not remember having an emergency, impromptu meeting with George Tenet on July 10, 2001. And yeah, I'm pretty certain that I would remember if I was told, as this account apparently says, that there was about to be an attack in the US. And the idea that I would somehow have ignored that, I find totally lame. Sure, at the time, there was a steady stream of quite alarmist reports of potential attacks, but those attacks were all going to be in like, other places, to kill other people.

Honestly, if this stuff was important, don't you think I would have brought it up when I testified before the 9/11 Commission back in the day? (And by back in the day, I mean March 2004.)

Oh and PS, Mr. Woodward, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and former Attorney General John Ashcroft had all the same info I had. Why don't you write about them?!