CONDI'S DIARY

Walk Like a Hawk

2007-03-03T18:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I've done it! I've just announced my appointment of Eliot A. Cohen as State Department Counselor. Ha! I bet no one saw this coming!

I bet people think I chose him because he supports the war and will keep Cheney off my case, since Cohen totally does not want me talking to Syria or Iran.

But I just think something about neo-conservatives is kind of dreamy, don't you?

I love it when you call me Big Papa...

2007-03-01T13:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I am totally throwing my hands in the air like I'm a true player!

Today I was with Sheikh Khalid Bin Ahmed Al-Khalifa.

I think it's safe to say that he's living large because of all that oil they have Bahrain. And by "living large," I mean "living with an extravagant or self-indulgent lifestyle" as well as that "he is a total fat-ass with a fupa."

So... is everyone in your country white?

2007-02-27T22:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I sort of think Norway's Foreign Minister Jonas Gahr Stoere is cute... and he definitely has a firm grip.

I guess it's a good thing Norway's an ally.

senators or middle-managers?

2007-02-25T20:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

So I was chatting with George Stephanopolous on ABC's "This Week" today, and I

basically told him that the Democrats in the Senate are still totally trying to micromanage George.

I mean, it's ridiculous. He's the PRESIDENT. I feel like a broken record saying these things, but policies that diminish the flexibility of the commander, the commander-in-chief, but especially, the commanders in the field that disrupt the normal process of allowing the Executive Branch to determine things like training times and so forth, are a problem -- DUH!!!

Stupid congressional cock-blockers....

Threesome with Israel and Palestine

2007-02-19T21:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today was a momentous day in history. Yours truly met with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas... together... all three of us.

I know! It is the first time since 2003 that a US diplomate has brought these two sides together!

I'm not going to say too much because I don't want to get my hopes up, but the meeting was useful and productive. You know, in spite of things like Hamas' government charter calling for the destruction of Israel and Israel continuously building new settlements in the West Bank.... That kind of stuff.

I'm feeling pretty good about things.

Give me a W! Give me an A! Give me an R! What does it spell?!

2007-02-17T22:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today I made a surprise stop in Baghdad. I talked to the American military personnel about how important teamwork and sacrifice are and how the mission in Iraq is an essential mission for the security and well-being of the United States of America. Er... that and it's also about helping the Iraqi people to find their way out of violence, out of tyranny, to democracy and to living together in peace and prosperity... or something.

I tried to tell those guys to not worry. I mean, they know a lot's going on back in Washington, and I'm sure a lot of them are upset because the "Defeatocrats" are messing everything up with their resolutions. It's like "Hello? We're finally like going to dedicate enough people to the cause, and they're totally cock-blocking our efforts!" At least even the stupid Democrats know that the sacrifice and the labor of our in Iraq has been honorable. No one is saying the troops are doing a bad job or anything.

So anyways, I was like, "Hey, guys! You're doing an awesome job! You and the Iraqis! It's totally not true that American people don't want to fight this war anymore. It's just that the American people want to know that we can succeed!" It's like an insurance policy. Like having sex after you get the engagement ring!

In the end, I think I really cheered them up. I know I was totally pumped! I totally should have done cheer instead of piano when I was growing up.

Raise the roof, ya'll

2007-02-13T22:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary!

Today I got to welcome John Negroponte as my new Deputy Secretary of State. I think he's going to do a totally awesome job! I mean, he's got a ton of experience in all kinds of foreign affairs stuff. Plus, his last name is "Negroponte," so I definitely feel like I'm doing my duty of contributing to affirmative action!

2007-02-13T19:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I totally just brokered a deal with Pyongyang! How awesome am I?

Pretty awesome, I'd say.

North Korea's gonna get some aid or something, and we're gonna get the complete, verifiable and irreversible de-nuclearisation of the Korean peninsula! YAY! Go me!

And... I totally think this is gonna be seen as a message to Iran that the international community is able to bring together its resources! Boo-yah!

It's almost like the last 6 years didn't happen, you know, when that deal Clinton made fell apart, for some unknown reason?

Sweet!

So only Baby-Mama's can be Secretary of State?

2007-01-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

O.M.G. You will NOT believe what happened today!

I was up in the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Barbara Boxer had the nerve to accuse me of not being affected personally by the war because I don't got babies.

Seriously?! That is stupider than when, back in 2003 when I was National Security Advisor, Aaron McGruder suggested that if I had a boyfriend I wouldn't want to detroy the world!

Why are Democrats so stupid? And SEXIST?!

On Notice

2007-01-11T15:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today I gave a totally bad-ass testimony to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

I was all, "America is facing a crucial moment, yo. It's like, a pivotal moment concerning our policies in Iraq and concerning our broader policies in the Middle East." And then I basically said, like, " the consequences of failure would also be enormous, so stop cock-blocking George's solutions."

I mean, don't people get that it's super important for the United States to defend its interests and those of our friends and allies in this vital region? Seriously?!

Anyway, I think my new move of offering to meet with Iran (after 27 years) if they knock-off their uranium enrichment bullshizz is pretty smooth. No one saw that coming!

Negroponte in the house!

2007-01-04T23:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

It looks like I'm not going to be the State Department's only recognizable "face of color" for the public anymore!

US National Intelligence Director John Negroponte is quitting his job to come work for... ME!!!!

He's been an ambassador to practically everything, even Iraq, so those Democrats shouldn't have any beef about confirming him ASAP.

(Negroponte's sure to be way better than Robert Zoellick, who was just so creepy-yucky.)

I'm waving to the little people

2006-11-27T23:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I'm starting to think that I might want to meet separately with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, but I am totally not going to coordinate their meetings for them. I'm so tired of people thinking they can cut diplomatic ties, launch rockets, and kill innocent people and then expect me to come give them band-aids.

Nope. I'm just going to sit back, relax, and look forward to the Forum for the Future conference at a Dead Sea resort later this week. I'm pretty sure that Jordan's King Abdullah II is just over-reacting about the growing violence and tension in Iraq, Palestine and Lebanon. Anyway, I'm wearing pretty jewelry today. And nothing says "Mideast democratization" like G-O-L-D!

It's too bad my advisor, Philip Zelikow, just quit. Otherwise, today would have been a perfect. Oh wait, that and the fact that we were in Estonia (?!?!?!) for a NATO meeting. So, yeah, without those two details, today would have been perfect.

And by "powerful" they mean "kick-ass"

2006-11-26T22:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary!

OMG! According to a poll by the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute (not sure where that is exactly), Americans think that I'm the most powerful woman in America! And Hillary and Nancy are totally eating my dust!

Oprah is gonna be so mad!!!! HA! HA! HA!

I'll take that one... and that one... and that one...

2006-11-21T22:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today George and I had breakfast at Hickam Air Force Base in Honolulu, Hawai'i.

There were a lot of men there.

A lot of hot men.

I LOVE BOYS!!!!!

No more DRAMA! Do I look like Mary J?

2006-11-20T23:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Sometimes it's really hard to work with George.... but I am not going to dwell-- not going to dwell.

I think it's best to focus on the positive: like how much I rocked APEC this weekend.

Diary, I went in there and explained to people that while the Iraq War is nothing like the Vietnam War, it totally could be, if Iraqis get their shizz together like communist Vietnam did.

I mean, I don't want to diminish the difficulties that we have in Iraq or that the Iraqi people have in Iraq, but it's like, if the Iraqis make good decisions, like Vietnam has made good decisions, then they might have a totally awesome country in the end!

I just wish the leaders of Burma and North Korea would follow the example of Vietnam and create new opportunities for their people. I mean, APEC is down with the principles that define our partnership: Freedom of navigation, freedom of trade, freedom of exchange, and the freedom of all people to live under laws of their own making... oh yeah, and freedom to make a crap-load of CA$H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Overall, I was really diggin' on Vietnam. I've like, never seen a friendlier people than the people of Vietnam. So it was fun. It would have been cool to have stayed longer.

I think ruffles suit me

2006-11-17T23:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

At the International Convention Center, chillin at Vietnam's President Nguyen Minh Triet wife's (Tran Thi Kim Chi) dinner party.

I gave a lot of statements today. I have to say, it was a nice break to not have to talk about the Middle East so much. It was annoying, however, to have to talk about how the US is totally not willing to live with a nuclear North Korea.

It was good that I got a chance to say that I'm a little bit worried about "rising China." I mean, it's cool that China is an important economic power, but I for one am hella nervous about China's transition. Like, is the Chinese economy really going to act in a way that is consistent with the level playing field that the international economy needs, whether it is in terms of currency valuation, or intellectual property rights protection? And like, what is up with the Chinese military buildups? Seriously? Kind of outsized, right?

But by and large, I think I made it clear that we are down with China, and that it is very much in the interest of the world that China's energies, China's growth, be channeled in a way that is stabilizing for the international system and stuff.

It's like Dr. Dre says, "I gotta say it was a good day."

Job Posting

2006-11-08T20:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Well, it totally blows that the Republicans have lost control of the House. The stupid Defeatocrats are sure to mess everything up.

But it sucks even more that Donald Rumsfeld has to step down as Secretary of Defense. I mean, how embarrassing! Especially after George was all -- Rummy’s doing a fantastic job and I strongly support him -- 7 days ago! Like, I do not even know what I would do if that were me. I’m glad everyone loves me and that I’m winning “the war on imposing sanctions on everyone and her mother” – rather than losing “the war on terror.”

: )

Mind yo' bidness

2006-11-07T20:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I think it is so uncool that Tony Blair is all up in Saddam's execution verdict. I mean, this is not something for Americans or, frankly, Europeans to comment on. I think this is something for Iraqis to decide.

Hello? He got a fair trial -- it's his fault that a tribunal of 5 judges voted unanimously that he should be hanged to death.

I really resent people saying that this verdict is a result of US manipulation! It's like, I can't speak for anyone else, but my job and my responsibility is to try and help conduct a foreign policy that gets American goals achieved. It's not my fault if Iraqi goals during this war we are waging against them are exactly the same as ours.

Remind me again why you were invited to join the WTO?

2006-11-06T21:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

It's really silly to think that 3 American Republicans would try to start a revolt against the communist government in Vietnam. I mean, really? Who would do something as second-rate as taking over state radio stations and calling for an uprising against the Vietnamese government? That is so early 20th Century or something.

All I have to say is that Vietnam needs to recognize and stop this trial shizz before the APEC summit.

Are you threatening me?

2006-11-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I think it is really lame that Iran is trying to be all tough by launching Shahab-3 ballistic missiles. I mean, even that type of missile is lame. If you are going to be hard-core-- get a good missile.

But the Iranians also totally know that the security environment is one in which if they actually were to do something, they would get the b'jesus kicked out of them -- well, not Jesus, but... nevermind. Basically, Iran would suffer greatly and so I think they probably understand that.

Anyway, is this is how they want it, I hope they're ready for this jelly -- and by "jelly" I mean "sanctions."

I am so going to back-slap you right now

2006-11-01T23:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today I totally wanted to punch Deputy National Security Advisor, Dr. Jack D. Crouch II, in the mouth.

Why? Um... because he is an incompetent boob with a big head.

Soooo not thinking about sudan right now

2006-10-31T23:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Super busy today.

George and I met with Special Envoy for Sudan Andrew Natsios. He strikes me a total douche. I hope he doesn't F this up like he did Boston’s “Big Dig.”

I also had an interview with Larry Kudow. We chatted about how people in North Korea probably eat bark and how it's awesome that North Korea has decided to resume 6-party talks.
We also talked about how annoying Syria and Iran are in regard to Iraq. It's like, Hello, could you not interfere, please? You are impeding the march of Democracy! (I totally urged the UN Security Council again today to get their act together so we can sanction Iran for their uranium enrichment! Hee hee!)

I really feel like I am going to stabilize the shizz out of this world before I'm done here! What a great Halloween!

Watch your back, Lebanon

2006-10-30T22:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

On October 26, I had an interview with the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation. It was okay, but it's always hard to give people news about possible intended assassination attempts on them -- which is what I had to do.

I feel like I did the right thing though, you know? I mean, I would definitely want to know if one of my friends knew that there are people who would like to destabilize the government of Prime Minister Siniora. Nobody likes surprise intimidation or assassination.

I said I didn't want to blame anyone in particular (Syria), but I think I made my info clear: the evidence is there that foreign influences have -- ever since the assassination of the former prime minister Rafiq Hariri -- have totally tried to use assassination and intimidation against the Lebanese people.

I'm just saying, the international community believes there should be no foreign intimidation of the Lebanese people, and like, the United States is absolutely dedicated to trying to solve the problems of the Middle East. Lebanon really has a chance at a true democratic future where all Lebanese can be represented, and it would so not cool if that chance were thwarted.

PS- I also gave mad props to Resolution 1701. That's going to make it so for sure that stuff like the war in Lebanon this summer won't happen again.

Hola, you!

2006-10-26T22:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Me cae super bien a Dominican Republic President Leonel Fernandez. He is totally guapo! I got all nervous when I was welcoming him to the US today. He smells like coconuts and sweet lovin'.

Did I stutter or something?

2006-10-25T23:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I feel like saying to North Korea:

"Look bitches, do you not realize that your crazy-pants nuclear test requires a strong response from, like, the free world?

You need to recognize that your behavior totally poses a regional challenge. You need to respect the fact that Russia, Japan, China, and SoKo want a denuclearized Korean Peninsula like I want to be Tina Turner -- i.e. A LOT. "

But then Diary, sometimes I feel like saying to South Korea:

"Um, you guys do realize it's your asses that are on the line if Kim Jong-il-na-na isn't kept in check with your "sunshine policy"? And you do realize that he would invade your asses in a second, if we weren't there protecting you? Why won't you just give some love to Resolution 1718?!"

I have a thankless job.

super bizzy

2006-10-23T21:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Can I just tell you how nice it is to be home again? I wore a charming red sut in honor of the occasion. Unfortunately, I had like, no time to relax with my super full schedule:

I had to make plans to meet with Kofi about the weak-ass expulsion of U.N. envoy Jan Pronk from Sudan. I, for one, am really tired of the situation in Darfur deteriorating.

I had to meet with Dutch Foreign Minister Bernard Bot because... um, well, I'm not sure why, but it was perfectly pleasant.

I sat down with Mohamed ElBaradei, Secretary General of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) and talked about how we still totally want to sanction the crap out of Iran and DPRK. I mean, we are already doing it, and we are going to do it more, but we're still hoping for more sanctions beyond that! Yipee! It's like one big sanction party!

And later I said basically the same thing to Israel's Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Transportation and Road Safety, Shaul Mofaz. Everyone can totally rest assured that the US is determined to stop Iran's nuclear program.

arrogance and stupidity are in the house?

2006-10-22T23:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I wish Alberto Fernandez - director of public diplomacy in the state department's Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs - would keep his fat trap shut.

What are these? Sunflowers?

2006-10-22T18:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Doesn't Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov know that diamonds are a girl's best friend? And last time I checked, flowers were not made of diamonds. Oh well, at least Russia has indicated it will strictly enforce sanctions on North Korea. Yay!

It would be nice if Russia stopped censoring their press and helped me punish Iran for their nuclear dreams, too.

I think I look best in winter colors

2006-10-20T16:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

In Beijing, chilling with Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing. We talked about a lot of things: like North Korea, Iran, Sudan, human rights.... (We did not talk about how totally hot I look in my new suit and pointy, black, kitten-heel pumps.)

Luckily, we are both down with the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. I think the message China gave North Korea during their meetings in Pyongyang was that China is giving much love to Resolution 1718. The Chinese obviously wanted to send a message to the North that they had engaged in very wack behavior that China did not support. China also wants to try and get a return to the diplomatic path and to the six-party talks.

Word.

Seoul Train

2006-10-19T17:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today I was keeping it real in South Korea, having some discussions with my boys, Foreign Minister Ban Ki-moon and President Roh.

The discussions were way helpful.... Well, actually, by "discussions" I mean "me telling them that we're not going to F them in the A in regard to defense agreements and defense cooperation." So that was good.

I also was there to give props to Resolution 1718 (aka Resolution: Sanction North Korea's Ass). I reassured SK that they don't need to freak out that there might be some sort of quarantine or a blockade along with the Resolution. I know I'm not gonna be down here searching no cargo-holds.

Basically, I wanted to make it clear that United States agrees that the purpose of Resolution 1718 is to denuclearize the shizz out of the Korean peninsula. That means it would be cool if North Korea would return unconditionally to the six-party talks and rapidly implement the agreement of September 19.

I think it went well.

I'm gonna wash that totally-annoying-dictatorship right outta my hair...

2006-10-18T22:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

You know what I LOVE about a nuclear crisis? Well, NOTHING, I'm afraid.

So I'm over here in Asia, running my ass ragged, trying to get these bitches to support sanctions against North Korea. I mean, Japan has my back -- what is Russia, China, and South Korea's problem?

My conversation with Foreign Minister Taro Aso was cool. We discussed the security situation in the region in light of the North Korean nuclear test and earlier, the North Korean missile test. The UN Security Council is so not down with either of those cases and North Korea definitely needs to recognize. Their behavior is way unacceptable and it's totally isolating them from the international community.

Nobody wants that nuclear shizz spread around like the clap.

Frowny Face

2006-10-16T17:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I hope Iran is also going to get the message the UN Security Council is sending to North Korea. I mean, I am not making these anti-nuclear resolutions for my health.

Now I have to go recruit Japan, South Korea and China to help me isolate the shizz out of North Korea.

I'm so over the 'axis of evil.' Can I get some Non-Proliferation Treaty respect?

O.M.G.

2006-10-09T18:03:00.000-04:00

Did North Korea explode a crazy-pants nuclear weapon?!

Arghh!

So lame. So, so lame.

I guess "North Korea" is the new "Terrorism". Boo.

IS THAT THE SMELL OF... RICH?

2006-10-06T18:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

The Kurds totally have oil!

Seriously! They’ve been signing all these deals with international corporations to explore their region for oil!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

I, for one, think it’s great that the Kurds are able to make economic progress in these times of bitter, hostile chaos. Oil is awesome, so it should definitely make Iraq more unified. More oil = more unified, I always say. I don’t think the rest of Iraq really needs to worry about the Kurds not wanting to share the wealth.

I do think I’ll ignore the fact that the Kurds have banned the display of the Iraqui flag in government buildings. I mean, Kurdish leader, Massoud Barzani, says he’s down with a federal democratic and pluralistic Iraq, so even if the Kurds have the right to self-determination, it will be totally fine, right?

PS- I don’t think the effigy of me that was burning during a Hamas protest in the West Bank was very good. It didn’t look anything like me.

Wheeeee! A GOLDEN THRONE FOR ME!!!!!! I LOVE IRAQ!!!!!

2006-10-05T19:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Since it's election season, I thought I'd zip on over to Iraq after my meetings in Israel this morning.

But when I got to Iraq, my plane couldn't land for 35 minutes because there was "indirect fire" —from mortar rounds or rockets or something — in the airport area. It's a good thing I'm here now, because damn, this place is really a hot mess.

So, when I met with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and his peeps, I was all, "Ya'll don't have time for endless debates on the issues. You gotta get your asses on it."

It's like, look man, I don't have time to figure out how you're going to divide your oil wealth, or change your constitution to fit the needs of your country's various regions, or stop your sectarian violence. That's not why I am here. I am here to bring a message of support. I am here to support all the parties and to press all the parties to work toward that resolution quickly because obviously, the security situation is totally CRIZZ-AZY and is not one that can be tolerated, and it is not one that is being helped by political inaction.

I’ve got my own problems. More than 2,700 American troops are dead and we've spent over $300 billion. What am I supposed to do with that? But I do want Iraq to know that I'm there for them if they need me!

You want me to spit out my gum into your hand?

2006-10-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I spent the morning in Israel, talking with Israeli Defence Minister Amir Peretz and Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni about easing up on the restrictions on the Gaza borders.

They were not amused by that.

I think they want Gilad Shalit back.

Ramallama-ding-dong (REALLY inappropriate, I know)

2006-10-05T07:27:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Yesterday afternoon, I was in West Bank town of Ramallah, hanging out with Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. I told him that the US is totally down with Islam, just like people in Palestine! I told him it’s super lame that the humanitarian and economic situations in the territories are so sucky – especially during Ramadan. I mean, no one wants to do the “all day fasting thing” and then not have any food with which to break it.

Don’t get me wrong, I gave Abbas mad props for his leadership and told him we totally want to support him and the Palestinian Authority – just not Hamas, because they are dumb. It’s too bad Abbas couldn’t get Hamas to agree to a national unity government. I am really not down with a civil war between the Fatah and Hamas. Anyway, if like, Hamas would be cool, I could definitely see us trying to help the Palestinian people to move within their territory, look for ways to end the violence, and come up with ways to make possible a life for them that is not subject to the kind of daily humiliations that we know have been associated with the occupation. That would rule.

BTW, Hamas Prime Minister, Ismail Haniya – if, when you say that I care “only to rearrange this region and to rearrange the Palestinian scene in a way that serves the American and Israeli agenda” you mean, “she is very pretty and will help us make a wonderful democracy that is just like America’s” then yes, you are correct.

Now who do I have to call to get those border crossings opened?

il-na-na

2006-10-04T10:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I AM SO FREAKING MAD AT NORTH KOREA RIGHT NOW!!!!

I'm getting really tired of Kim Jong-il being so attention-starved. It's like, hello? Do you have any oil? No? Then be quiet. Feed your people or something.

Where did Pyongyang get the idea that the US even cares? I am the Seretary of State and I don't even know why they think we're giving them an extreme threat of a nuclear war and sanctions! It's so junior-high to be like, "I didn't get invited to the popular kid's party, so I'm gonna be compelled to conduct nuclear tests and bolster my nuclear deterrents, as a self-defense measure."

Plus it is totally weak of him to do this now because 1. I am way busy in the Middle East and 2. It looks really bad that there is some crazy-pants man in North Korea with nukes and we can't control him and he is hella pissed at us. I think the American people might start questioning why we went to Iraq instead of N.K.... which is poo.

I mean, could they stop boycotting the six-nation talks so Japan and South Korea can un-bunch their panties?

One love...

2006-10-03T09:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today I am in Jeddah giving a press conference about how cool it would be if the Hamas-led Palestinian government would recognize Israel. It's really beginning to concern me that innocent Palestinians are being hurt by factional infighting. I so want Saudi's involvement in the stabilisation of Iraq, and I want Saudi's involvement in the stabilisation of Lebanon, through resources and political support. I think it would be totally helpful if they were supportive of and working toward helping Prime Minister Maliki's national reconciliation plan.

I mean, it's like, George and I have a dream of 2 states, Israel and Palestine, but SOME people keep messing it up (cough cough, Iran and Syria).

Whatevs. I'm off to Cairo to chillax with the "moderate" Arabs: Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, United Arab Emirates, Oman, Qatar and Kuwait. You know, the ones who aren't all "crazy-pants."

"State of Me Whuppin' You Upside Your Head"

2006-10-01T23:08:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Um. What am I supposed to say? It really hurts that that poop-face, Bob Woodward, would write so many horrible lies about me.

I was an awesome National Security Advisor!

It's like, no, I do not remember having an emergency, impromptu meeting with George Tenet on July 10, 2001. And yeah, I'm pretty certain that I would remember if I was told, as this account apparently says, that there was about to be an attack in the US. And the idea that I would somehow have ignored that, I find totally lame. Sure, at the time, there was a steady stream of quite alarmist reports of potential attacks, but those attacks were all going to be in like, other places, to kill other people.

Honestly, if this stuff was important, don't you think I would have brought it up when I testified before the 9/11 Commission back in the day? (And by back in the day, I mean March 2004.)

Oh and PS, Mr. Woodward, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and former Attorney General John Ashcroft had all the same info I had. Why don't you write about them?!

A Libris = A Stupidus

2006-09-29T23:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Tonight I went to 2006 National Book Festival Gala at the Library of Congress.

It was totally fancy, and I looked way hot in my black outfit.

The only bad part of the night was sitting next to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, who smells like ass. I got to sit next to George, too! And even though Laura was on the other side of him... we all know who he was really looking at when she got up to accept her award for some book thing she did.

You think she's prettier than I am!?

2006-09-27T20:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today I met with Greek Foreign Minister Dora Bakoyannis at the State Department in Washington, DC.

Everyone was checking her out. They never check me out. WHY DON'T THEY EVER CHECK ME OUT!?

You know what? I don't really care. Peter "hot-pants" MacKay likes me. I don't need the rest of them!

Oh yeah. Bakoyannis and I also talked about how Greece rules at being the president of the UN Security Council.

So over bigotry!

2006-09-24T22:56:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today I had an interview with Katie Couric. Aside from us talking about how awesome I was a National Security Advisor, and how awesome I am as Secretary of State, we talked about what it was like for me to grow up in the segregated South, afraid of white people.

I remember very well in 1963, when Birmingham was so violent. When it acquired the name "Bomb-ingham." Diary, I remember feeling that even with my wonderfully protective family, you had to wonder "why are they doing this to us?" I was really upset when the church blew up 2 miles from our house and the four little girls were killed. One of the girls, Denise McNair was my little friend from kindergarten. And she was a playmate and I just couldn't believe that she was dead.

All people who commit terror against innocents do it for the same purpose. Some people say "well they do it to prove a political point." Then why go after little girls? These little girls weren't gonna hurt anybody. They didn't have any political power. This was just meant to terrorize the community. It's the worst kind of inhumanity to just go after innocent people who are just going about their daily lives like those little girls who were just in the bathroom after Sunday school.

That's why we need armies to go in and bomb out the terrorists from places like Iraq and Afghanistan. To bomb them before they can bomb us. There is something beautiful about, as I said, "speaking for people who are voiceless." It feels really good when you can put words in the mouths of people who probably want democracy.

Africa unite...

2006-09-23T21:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I think it is so awesome that our fearless Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, is thinking about Africa. I mean, I think it could be really useful to have a U.S. military presence on the continent, so we can guard against potential threats to our glorious Democracy. We don’t want to have to deal with the fall-out from Africa’s war-ravaged, famine-plagued, malaria-carrying, very-thirsty people – especially when they are coming from huge expanses of ungoverned territory. It’s just such quick thinking that if we get in now, we can prevent other situations like Iraq. The last thing we need is an increased presence of Al Qaeda in the Heart of Darkness; the Islamic fundamentalism that’s increasing all over the place is a totally bad sign.

Worse news

2006-09-22T21:27:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I am VERY sad today. The number of US military deaths from the operations in Afghanistan and Iraq has now surpassed the death toll from the September 11 attacks. I mean, I never intended for another 2,973 American individuals to die. I thought we would just, like, go in and vanquish Saddam and set up some really lucrative business ventures. I didn’t really want 6,599 Iraqis to die violent deaths between July and August alone, either.

coup d'et--what?

2006-09-20T07:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Um. What happened in Thailand yesterday?

Those fools better make a return to democracy with a quickness. I'm totally suspending our military aid funds to them.

I hate countries with martial law.

Match made in poop

2006-09-17T22:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

So yeah… it looks like President Hugo Chavez and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are BFF because today, Venezuela and Iran signed a ton of bilateral agreements for things like oil exploration and car production.

I mean, I’m sure their little party in Caracas was harmless – who cares about a joint petrochemical and steel company? – but I’m not down with the way the two of them have emerged all “outspoken-like” against the US. Like, why you gotta be all uppity about creating a world without the dominance of one single power?

It’s all I need to have Venezuela on the UN Security Council; why doesn’t Chavez just give Iran a bunch of enriched uranium and be quiet?

Religious Freedom is not in the Hizz-ouse!

2006-09-15T17:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today the State Department's 2006 Annual Report on Religious Freedom was released.

China, Eritrea, Iran, Myanmar, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Vietnam -- you guys are totally BLACKLISTED! Afghanistan, Brunei, Cuba, Egypt, India, Israel, the Palestinian territories, Laos, Pakistan, Russia, Sri Lanka, Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan -- you guys are so ON NOTICE! Why ya'll gotta be engaging in or tolerating particularly severe violations of religious freedom? Obviously, Iran and Iraq are of concern too, but I'm really tired of talking about them.

It's too bad more countries can't be like the US, with our Freedom of Religion and our Separation of Church and State.

More importantly, there are rumors going around that Hotty McHotterson MacKay and I are "involved!" tee hee! I wish!!!!!!! He is soooo fine!

no really.

2006-09-14T16:57:00.000-04:00

I'm not kidding. The Oval Office smells like ass right now.

ew...

2006-09-14T16:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Why do White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten, National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley and White House spokesman Tony Snow smell like A-S-S?

Sing it, girl!

2006-09-13T23:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I am totally going to bust out some sanctions on Iran next week at the P5-plus-1 meeting (aka the five permanent members of the UN Security Council: Britain, China, France, Russia and the United States, plus Germany). It’s like, so obvious that Iran doesn’t want to suspend its nuclear activities. It’s kind of hard to have negotiations if, you know, you cancel your meeting with European officials.

I was hanging out with Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni today, and she’s also worried that there might be a split in the coalition confronting the Islamic government in Iran. I mean, I know I would be totally sketched out if Iran didn’t recognize my country’s right to exist. Anyway, I’m sure the international community will be down with whatever, since this is not just a threat to Israel but a threat to the entire free world.

Oh, you!

2006-09-12T17:06:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay is sooooo dreamy! I got to hang out with him today at the Museum of Industry in Stellarton, Nova Scotia. That man knows how to show a girl a good time!

In spite of all of MacKay's hotness, I still had to give a speech about how it's been mad hard to keep fighting a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan. I mean, I know we kind of owe it to the people of Afghanistan to help them finish the job of getting rid of their old,crappy, terrorist-harboring government and getting a new, shiny democratic one, since we kind of fucked them over in the 1980s. But really, why does the process have to be so difficult? Why does the Taliban even want to resurge? There's nothing in Afghanistan since we bombed the crap out of it 5 years ago. The people are all thirsty and stuff.

Whatevs. At least NATO's got our back.

9.11.06

2006-09-11T17:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

As much as I wanted to rub up on Canadian Foreign Minister Peter MacKay with my mouth today, I couldn't. I was too sad -- sad thinking about all 2,973 of my people who were slaughtered by terrorists 5 years ago today.

2,973 HUMAN BEINGS.

I poured one out for them and wept.

Oops

2006-09-10T11:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

So the secret got out on Friday. The Senate's Intelligence Committee released a 2005 CIA report that confirmed there was no formal relationship between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda prior to the Iraq war. It said that Iraq and al-Qaeda were ideologically poles apart, and that Saddam Hussein was distrustful of al-Qaeda and viewed Islamic extremists as a threat to his regime, refusing all requests from al-Qaeda to provide material or operational support.

Shit.

This totally is going to make my job way harder.

Damn you, NATO!

2006-09-09T16:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

George and I have plans to go to Estonia on November 27....

No US president has ever been there.

Where is it?!

sort of a downer...

2006-09-08T23:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I'm kind of bummed out that Iraqi ministry of health says more than 1,500 people were killed in attacks in Baghdad last month. And that's only a little less than the Iraquis who died in July. I was really sort of hoping the sectarian violence would just go away on it's own, like a scab. You know, if you don't pick at it....

You've just got reach around like this...

2006-09-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

So it looks like I'm going to Nova Scotia for the fifth year anniversary of the September 11 terrorism attacks. I know, right?! Isn't that weird? It seemed a little odd to me too, at first, but then I got to thinking about how super helpful Canada was after the attacks, and how they took all those re-routed flights. So, yeah. Halifax... yeah. Halifax. Right.

I guess the good thing is that I'll also get a chance to go to Stellarton -- the parlimentary district of Canadian Foreign Minister, Peter "Hot Pants" MacKay. I am soooo glad the Canadian Conservative party is back in power.

This means you, Kanye!

2006-09-07T11:25:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary

I know the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina just passed, but I am so mad that people are still saying that we were "negligent" about most of Katrina's victims in New Orleans because they were black.

I mean, I am black, and I certainly don’t feel neglected by the government!!!

Do you know what first really attracted me to this President when he was governor? It wasn't foreign policy. It was his education policies. It was the fact that he was deeply disturbed that minority kids couldn't -- and third grade couldn't read at third grade level. And he had a phrase that he used: "the soft bigotry of low expectations." And that's what initially attracted me to this President because I've seen it. I've seen what is happening to our kids, particularly in inner city schools where they're not being educated, where they're being warehoused, where by third grade, they're already behind, where by seventh grade, they have no chance and where by tenth grade, they've dropped out.

And it makes me furious that people aren't more outraged about that. And that he was outraged about that and wanted to have accountability and wanted to have kids tested so that we knew what kind of intervention was needed and wanted to hold schools accountable, I found very important. So when African Americans think about this President, I hope they would think about that. I hope they would think about the efforts he's made at minority homeownership, which he believes is the kind of core.

You know, in my community and in Birmingham, whether you were working class or middle class, you owned your home. That was a piece of America for you. And the President has been really active in faith-based -- in getting faith-based institutions to be able to carry out the compassion agenda, whether it's dealing -- helping single moms or helping drug-addicted people or helping people returning from prison.

In our community, our churches have always been a part of our social network and that the President recognizes, that the federal government ought to recognize that and not discriminate against those programs just because they're based in churches, so I think it's something that African Americans ought to be very attracted to. And so I think -- and you know, and the President almost immediately said, of course, we're going to extend the civil rights -- the Voting Rights Act.

I mean that all just makes sense. Black people love churches! The government loves churches! Two great tastes that could potentially taste great together! We totally don’t need secular public assistance programs that can provide, you know, unbiased and nonjudgmental help!!!

Iraq is the new Civil War

2006-09-05T22:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I am so tired of having to defend the war in Iraq. In my interview in Essence Magazine, I tried to help people put it into perspective:

Iraq War = Civil War

I think my analogy is pretty good, because it seems pretty clear to me that if it is Right and Just to use war to free people from tyranny, then it is also Right and Just to free people from tyranny (by using use the subterfuge of WMDs and threats to national security in order to justify said war).

I’ll admit the Iraq War, just like the Civil War, has the heavy price of many lives; however, in the end, you have to do what is Right and Just for future generations. How would it have been if the North’s real interest in ending slavery was to eliminate the South’s labor source in order to benefit industrial factory production and decrease marketplace competition? That would be like saying America’s real interest in Iraq is for Halliburton to benefit from the requisition and consequential subcontracting of Iraq’s oil fields – which is just so not true.

I’m just glad that, despite the critics, both wars have Justice on their sides – and that is what really counts!

PS- Today I had a meeting with the Emir of Kuwait, Sheikh Sabah Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah, and it was totally boring.

Seriously? No, SERIOUSLY?

2006-09-03T18:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I’m having a bit of an existential crisis. I just can’t understand why Laura is always around! Doesn’t he trust my opinions? Am I not the Secretary of State?! We are super busy trying to “clear, hold and lead” in Iraq and not leave any children behind at the same time! Doesn’t she realize she is distracting us from these serious political dilemmas? Doesn’t she realize that the polls are showing that Republicans are going to lose a lot of positions in the midterm elections? Gahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

People keep asking me if I'm going to run for president

2006-08-31T18:08:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

People keep asking me if I'm going to run for president.

Don't they know a sista got better things to do with her time? I mean, it's totally flattering, but I know that my strengths are spreading Peace and Freedom, putting the smack down on terrorism, and rockin' my pearls. All I want to do is spend my last two and a half years as Secretary of State working closely and intimately with the President, so I can enhance his, um, his, vision for democracy."

Don't get me wrong, I do believe I have a role at home too -- to talk about the policies, to discuss them, to debate them. It ain't no thang for me to run up on some people who disagree and debate them.

But I think when I'm done as Secretary of State and the birth pangs of the new Middle East have subsided, I'll either go back to Stanford to teach and write or I'll become president of the 49ers or something like that because I love sports.

TERRORISM is the new FASCISM!

2006-08-30T18:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, Donald Rumsfeld, our fearless Defense Secretary, made some totally insightful comments about how the trend for this fall's global crisis will be a "new type of fascism" -- which is cool, because I think the term terrorism was getting a little old. I think this will really spruce up the counterterrorism policy’s image in the eyes of the public.

I, for one, am glad someone is finally pointing out the obvious. It should be as clear as day that when Americans question whether or not the most effective way to get the bad guys is by exterminating innocent people it’s EXACTLY the same as when Americans ignore the bad guys exterminating innocent people! It’s way awesome that Rumsfeld stood up to the Administration’s critics and helped them put things in a historical context, so they can see clearly that the Terrorists are the new Nazis, and the Muslims are the new Jews. Now that things have been put into perspective, I'm pretty sure people will quickly come to understand that it is okay to murder innocent people, as long as you stop the bad guys from murdering them first.

HOLLABACK, AMERICAN LEGION NATIONAL CONVENTION!

2006-08-29T23:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary!

Today I received the 2006 American Legion Auxiliary Woman of the Year Award!!!

I am so glad that somebody finally recognized that I am all about advancing the quality of life for others and making a positive impact on the men and women of our Armed Forces, veterans and their families!

Hear that?! I am an exemplary woman, bitches!

PS- You can be sure I warned the convention about the dangers of pulling out of Iraq prematurely. I KNOW those girls knew what I was talking about. Nobody likes a premature pullout. Nobody.

SO NOT FLATTERING

2006-08-27T12:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I’m a little upset with the imagery coming out of Beirut right now. Today I was depicted on a banner as some sort of a monster with bad teeth! I think the Hezbollah supporters in the densely populated areas of they city that were destroyed by Israeli forces must be a little confused. Why don’t they realize that Hezbollah terrorists are keeping Freedom and Democracy from flourishing – not me. I’m the one who supported bombing Lebanon in order to help the people!

On the other hand, I suppose it’s possible that whoever wrote “the terrorist” on the picture in Arabic intended to write “the terrorist conqueror” instead; although that doesn’t explain why the drawing was so unflattering…. Hmm. I’m totally mystified.

Justice

2006-08-24T22:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I'm really glad that Leon Caver got a 34-year jail sentence today for shooting my senior naval advisor Frank Ponds in October 2004.

Supposedly Caver shot his nephew because a relative willed her property to Frank and not to him, but I'm pretty sure he was just way jealous of Frank's job. I mean, who wouldn't want to work hand-in-hand with me to bring peace and democracy to the world? Who, I ask you? You're right if you're thinking the answer to that question is: NOBODY.

PS- I might be from Alabama, but I am going to be wary of people from Autaugaville from now on.

IRAN

2006-08-23T23:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Dammit! Iran is making me totally mad lately!

Like today in the Security Council meeting, Iran's top nuclear negotiator, Ali Larijani, was all "We're willing to immediately resume talks about our nuclear program." And then Gonzalo Gallegos was all, "Um, yeah. So are you gonna stop your uranium enrichment?" And Iran was all, "Uh. No comment." And then Gallegos was all, "We acknowledge that Iran considers its response as a serious offer, and we will review it. The response, however, falls short of the conditions set by the Security Council, which require the full and verifiable suspension of all enrichment-related and reprocessing activities."

I mean, doesn't Iran WANT to improve their access to the international economy through participation in groups such as the World Trade Organization and to modernize its telecommunications industry?

Iran is so not going to adhere to the August 31 deadline under U.N. Resolution 1696 to halt uranium enrichment. I hope they're down with U.N. sanctions.

I am way more hard core than anyone else

2006-08-14T18:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I'd just like to say again that even though it's a good first step, I don't really think the UN peace plan for Lebanon will work. I'm glad I had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

Regardless, George and I are super glad that Hezbollah has been defeated by this month-long conflict. We think it was totally worth all the devastation and loss of life. We can't wait to rebuild Lebanon without any Arabs and Muslims! I'm pretty sure Israel is excited too.

I'm so over this invasion...

2006-08-12T19:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Why does everyone think the US should urge Israel to end hostilities against Lebanon and Hezbollah? I mean, isn't this all Iran and Syria's fault? They sponsor Hezbollah. They are encouraging this radical brand of Islam like it's their job!

What is the opposite of "being down with communism"?

2006-08-07T23:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

May I just say that I am so not okay with Fidel Castro being replaced by another dictator. I know I said we'd be cool while Fidel is on the way out, but I can't help thinking that this is such a good opportunity for Peace and Justice to triumph! I mean, how awesome would it be if we got to make Cuba a Democracy?! I am all for Cubans speaking as they choose, thinking as they please, and worshiping as they wish, but an invasion by the USA could really expedite their happiness, right?

Oh say can you see...?

2006-07-31T20:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Look at the awesome banner of me that was up in downtown Beirut! I look totally giant and powerful! At first, I thought the banner was to proclaim Lebanon's faith in the great job I am doing in helping them get rid of Hezbollah. Unfortunately, my glorious face was transposed over a protest against the war and Israel's hostilities.

Well, everyone can be as critical of my foreign policies as he or she pleases, but I still look way HOT in that picture!

ASEAN

2006-07-28T23:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today I was at the Asean gala (Association of Southeast Asian Nations) Regional Forum (ARF) in Kuala Lumpur. I've never been to this regional security forum, but I know Colin came a bunch of times and made an ass of himself. Really? You dress up like a construction worker and sing YMCA? You are the leader of the Free World!

I played a dignified and very difficult piano piece because I am CIVILIZED! I was there to set an EXAMPLE, Colin.

I'm gonna go with a semi "updo" for this ceasefire...

2006-07-24T18:06:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today I surprised Lebanon's PM, Fouad Siniora, by showing up in Beirut. I put the smack down on him for letting terrorist groups like Hezbollah operate within Lebanon's borders. I mean, he is brave and everything -- what with Israel kicking the crap out of his country -- and it totally sucks that about 600,000 Lebanese have had to flee their homes and normal lives, but what does Siniora expect me to do? I have to uphold Peace and Justice... and that means NO PROPS to the terrorists, even if it costs thousands of innocent lives!

Do you not see that I am wearing my serious face?

2006-07-23T14:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

The Oval Office in the White House is nice and cool. The Middle East, however, is hot and ON FIRE.

*sigh*

Stupid Beirut.

Don't you talk to me about an immediate cease-fire between Israel and Hezbollah guerrillas in Lebanon!

2006-07-21T15:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Don't people realize we're on Israel's side? Don't they realize that if we cared, we would have stopped this madness when it started?

Silly, silly general public and world leaders!

Yum, yum, gimme some!

2006-07-19T19:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Would I engage in totally hot makeout with Canadian Foreign Minister Peter Mackay?

HELL YES, BITCHES!

I love the G8 Foreign Ministers Summit, even if it is in Moscow!

My suit is SHINY!

2006-07-19T19:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I must say, it is always a delight to meet with Winston Peres. He's such a lovely man.

I think I'll stay right here in this nice, cool room on this fluffy chair and chat about New Zealand's foreign affairs and NOT think about:

1. Hezbollah
2. Egypt's Foreign Minister, Ahmed Abul Gheit
3. Israel

Yes. That is what I shall do.

PS- I am totally rockin' the pearls today!

Do you not see the power lipstick I am rocking?

2006-07-18T18:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

How the hell is a sister supposed to get her ass to an Asian security forum when there is major shizzle going down in the Middle East? Ya'll already know North Korea is up to no good; what do ya'll need me for? Lebanon, however, is on FIRE. Which "peace" do you want me to "keep"? Malaysia needs to simmer down and Foreign Minister Syed Hamid Albar needs to recognize!

nukes vs. food

2006-07-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I’m really glad that South Korea is going to give North Korea some food. Being hungry is no good – especially when you are ruled by a crazy-pants dictator.

I mean, I know I would rather have some rice than a nuclear weapon. What is wrong with Kim Jong-il? I’m really glad Pyongyang’s said it’s going to rejoin the six-party talks to end its nuclear weapon program.

Bad day

2006-06-15T22:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I’m having a really bad day today. The Pentagon’s released a statement saying that the number of US troops killed in Iraq has reached 2,500. That is a huge amount. Luckily, because this news is so awful, no one is paying attention to the statement from campaign group Iraq Body Count that at least between 38,355 and 42,747 Iraqi civilians have died since the onset of the conflict.

It’s really annoying that most of the deaths on both sides were caused by insurgents. It’s like, WE ARE HERE TO FREE YOU. SIMMER DOWN. I can’t believe we have spent or allocated $438 billion on the "war on terror.”

Let me tell you a little story about HELL NO!

2006-06-04T23:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today I was on 'Fox News Sunday' and 'Face the Nation.' I had to explain to people that Iran just doesn’t seem to understand that if it ends its nuclear program, it will get the HOOK-UP from the West! Iran needs to GET ON IT, because that shit ain’t open-ended! And it’s not like I’m handing out deadlines… yet.

say WHAT now?

2006-06-03T22:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Diary,

I am tired of hearing people imply that there are difficulties getting people into key posts in the new Iraqi government. I’m pretty sure the process of setting up an entirely new government to run a totally revamped nation will be complete in the next few days. How hard can it be? Iraq’s a Democracy now! People be trippin’!

WHAT-EV-ER

2006-04-01T17:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I am way over people in the UK protesting my visit to Blackburn. Don't they know I view them as an exercise in democracy? I so do not find them off-putting or disconcerting in any way. It's like they're reinforcing for me why we invaded Iraq in the first place. I mean, pretty soon people in Iraq will be able to protest if they want to -- except they won't need to because the government we're setting up for them is going to be so kick-ass.

Anyway, I think Foreign Minister Jack Straw is totally cute.

2006-03-17T22:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I'm in Australia for 3 days for some meetings. On Saturday I'm gong to meet with the Japanese Foreign Minister. I am going to tell him that Japan should have a better relationship with China because though there are difficulties... China and Japan also share a lot of interests... you know, like, um, being in Asia?

I love Indonesia

2006-03-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Why is Indonesia so cool? Because I don't know, but it must have something to do with the fact that they have a very big role to play as an example of what moderation, tolerance and inclusiveness of society can be. I mean, they are down with Muslims AND they cooperate with us in fighting terrorism. And that's in spite of bombings in Bali and Jakarta! I totally think Indonesia's pursuit of democracy is an "inspiration" to the Muslim world.

Mad props to President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono and Foreign Minister Hassan Wirayuda!

I just hope I don't get bird flu....

More of the same...

2006-02-24T18:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I’ve got a lot going on right now. Tehran’s still pursuing a nuclear program, and despite my repeated requests, Egypt and Saudi Arabia are giving money to Hamas for the reformation of the Palestinian government. It just feels so overwhelming sometimes. How am I supposed to bring Democracy if the Palestinians are all caught up in their right to vote for a hostile government party? How am I supposed to bring Peace if Iran is busy trying to accumulate the same weapons that we have? What’s a girl to do?!

Do I look retarded?

2006-02-21T16:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I don’t get why Iran always gotta play the "destabilising influence in the Middle East". It's getting very tiresome. FYI Tehran, just because the US invasion of Iraq has wrought devastation on the lives of many and facilitated the emersion of a violent religious civil war, it does NOT mean that the presence of American-forces in Iraq is bringing chaos to the region.

I just hope that Egypt and Saudi Arabia won’t support the Hamas Palestinian government, because they are totally a terrorist organization.

From Russia with Uranium

2006-02-20T12:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Thank God, Russia is finally stepping up to the plate to do something about this Iran nuclear nuisance. It’s like, a super good idea for Russia to give Iran uranium that’s been enriched in Russia. But Iran is being such a pain in the ass with its “we-have-the-right-to-pursue-nuclear-research” stance.I mean, I am all about UN sanctions, but Russia’s Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, is not down. *sigh*

Oh.Hell.No.

2006-01-13T19:28:00.000-05:00

Dear UN Security Council,

Could you please get it together and realize that the provocative actions by the Iranian regime have totally shattered the basis for negotiation?!

I mean, Tehran is totally in dangerous defiance of the entire international community with this whole “We-want-nuclear-technology-too” thing. Really? What is wrong with voluntary co-operation?

I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I got a whole menu of possibilities for diplomatic action against Iran.

And just because I’m not talking about military action at this point, don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind. What on earth do you think sanctions lead to?

Love,

Condi

Totally dreamy...

2005-12-03T23:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Here's a picture of me with Robert Redford at this awesome gala dinner I hosted at the State Department for the 2005 Kennedy Center honorees. Tina Tuner was there! Girlfriend is HAWT! If I weren't so busy spreading Peace, Justice, and Democracy throughout the world, I'd want Tina's career. Tony Bennett and Vanessa Williams were also there. Somehow, Kid Rock got in -- I don't know who invited him, but at least I think he's a Republican.

Oh yeah, a bunch of the Kennedys were there, too.

I like my job

2005-12-02T23:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today I was hanging out in the Treaty Room of the State Department having some meetings with Japan's Foreign Minister Taro Aso. We talked about some international government stuff.

It was cool. I have a good job.

Oh, and I was wearing a super-cute outfit!

Ho ho ho?

2005-11-23T16:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I am so NOT amused by a particular holiday storefront up in Marshall Fields this year! I mean, really? Why would I ever pleasure myself with a peppermint stick? Where is Baby Jesus?

Batteries not included, my ass!

Yeah, NOW Russia is sorry

2005-11-18T12:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I'd like to point out that the Cold War was Russia's fault. It makes me crazy that I have to sit here at this stupid APEC meeting and listen to Vladimir Putin talk about how he agrees with us about stopping North Korea's nuclear ambitions. Hello? You guys MADE North Korea! If the USSR hadn't interfered with the spread of Democracy in East Asia, we wouldn't even need to have these conversations!

And I DON'T want to touch your damn hand, Putin!

I'm surrounded by them!

2005-11-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today, George and I are in Gyeongju, South Korea meeting with South Korea's President Roh Moo-hyun. George always looks so uncomfortable around Asians -- it's so funny. I'd like to think it's because he doesn't expect Roh to reaffirm his cooperation on convincing North Korea to abandon its nuclear weapons program, but I know it's because George and I are the tallest people in the room. Hee hee!

B-O-R-I-N-G

2005-11-17T07:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, Trade Representative Rob Portman and I had to listen to a bunch of crap about how cutting farm subsidies was Asia's key to salvaging next month's global trade talks. LAME.

I did manage to put the smackdown on Southeast Asian nations for failing to speak out strongly enough against human rights abuses in Myanmar. God, I hate Myanmar!

Yellow Fever

2005-11-16T22:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

I never realized how much Japan's Taro Aso, Vietnam's Nguyen Dy Nien, Thailand's Kantathi Suphamongkhon, Singapore's George Yeo, Russia's Sergey Lavrov, Philippines' Alberto Romulo and South Korea's Ban Ki-Moon ALL LOOK THE SAME!

HA HA HA HA HA!

I love white people...

2005-11-16T17:38:00.000-05:00

... the OTHER people, not so much.

APEC

2005-11-16T14:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today when I was talking with Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing, he kept leaning over the table towards me, and he had very bad breath. How am I supposed to urge nations across the Asia-Pacific region to unite to counter the threats of terrorism and bird flu, while helping foster greater prosperity by bolstering the rule of law and open trade when homeboy is all up in my face? SIT THE HELL DOWN IN YOUR CHAIR, DAMMIT!

Busan

2005-11-15T20:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Do you know what is boring? I'll tell you: the second round of the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) ministerial meeting in Busan -- that is what's boring. And that's what I have to go to tomorrow. When are people going to realize that I don't care about the Pacific Rim? I thought the 2004 tsunami made that really obvious. Asia doesn't have any oil. Are any of the countries there even democracies?

PS- I don't like when South Korean Foreign Minister Ban Ki-moon touches me. His hands feel like tofu.

I "Gaza" bad feeling about this...

2005-11-15T15:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Today in Jerusalem, some journalists gave me a birthday card. It was nice, even though my birthday was yesterday.

Diary, I was there to broker an important deal regarding Gaza border crossings. When it comes to the Middle East, I feel like I have to do everything myself. Why can't people there just get it together and embrace democracy?

PS- International Mideast envoy, James Wolfensohn, looks like a walking corpse.

Ramallah

2005-11-14T17:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

Should I be ashamed? I kissed Palestinian Finance Minister Salam Fayad, after my arrival at Palestinian Authority headquarters in the West Bank city of Ramallah.

I hope George won't get mad. It's not like there was any tongue involved.... Good thing I only shook Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas (aka Abu Mazen)'s hand, though.

Anyway, i hope I can revive Israeli-Palestinian peace talks. I don't know WHY Palestine is so upset about Israel killing Islamic militants!