Ho ho ho?

Dear Diary,

I am so NOT amused by a particular holiday storefront up in Marshall Fields this year! I mean, really? Why would I ever pleasure myself with a peppermint stick? Where is Baby Jesus?

Batteries not included, my ass!

Yeah, NOW Russia is sorry

Dear Diary,

I'd like to point out that the Cold War was Russia's fault. It makes me crazy that I have to sit here at this stupid APEC meeting and listen to Vladimir Putin talk about how he agrees with us about stopping North Korea's nuclear ambitions. Hello? You guys MADE North Korea! If the USSR hadn't interfered with the spread of Democracy in East Asia, we wouldn't even need to have these conversations!

And I DON'T want to touch your damn hand, Putin!

I'm surrounded by them!

Dear Diary,

Today, George and I are in Gyeongju, South Korea meeting with South Korea's President Roh Moo-hyun. George always looks so uncomfortable around Asians -- it's so funny. I'd like to think it's because he doesn't expect Roh to reaffirm his cooperation on convincing North Korea to abandon its nuclear weapons program, but I know it's because George and I are the tallest people in the room. Hee hee!

B-O-R-I-N-G

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, Trade Representative Rob Portman and I had to listen to a bunch of crap about how cutting farm subsidies was Asia's key to salvaging next month's global trade talks. LAME.

I did manage to put the smackdown on Southeast Asian nations for failing to speak out strongly enough against human rights abuses in Myanmar. God, I hate Myanmar!

Yellow Fever

Dear Diary,

I never realized how much Japan's Taro Aso, Vietnam's Nguyen Dy Nien, Thailand's Kantathi Suphamongkhon, Singapore's George Yeo, Russia's Sergey Lavrov, Philippines' Alberto Romulo and South Korea's Ban Ki-Moon ALL LOOK THE SAME!

HA HA HA HA HA!

I love white people...

... the OTHER people, not so much.

APEC

Dear Diary,

Today when I was talking with Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing, he kept leaning over the table towards me, and he had very bad breath. How am I supposed to urge nations across the Asia-Pacific region to unite to counter the threats of terrorism and bird flu, while helping foster greater prosperity by bolstering the rule of law and open trade when homeboy is all up in my face? SIT THE HELL DOWN IN YOUR CHAIR, DAMMIT!

Busan

Dear Diary,

Do you know what is boring? I'll tell you: the second round of the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) ministerial meeting in Busan -- that is what's boring. And that's what I have to go to tomorrow. When are people going to realize that I don't care about the Pacific Rim? I thought the 2004 tsunami made that really obvious. Asia doesn't have any oil. Are any of the countries there even democracies?

PS- I don't like when South Korean Foreign Minister Ban Ki-moon touches me. His hands feel like tofu.

I "Gaza" bad feeling about this...

Dear Diary,

Today in Jerusalem, some journalists gave me a birthday card. It was nice, even though my birthday was yesterday.

Diary, I was there to broker an important deal regarding Gaza border crossings. When it comes to the Middle East, I feel like I have to do everything myself. Why can't people there just get it together and embrace democracy?

PS- International Mideast envoy, James Wolfensohn, looks like a walking corpse.

Ramallah

Dear Diary,

Should I be ashamed? I kissed Palestinian Finance Minister Salam Fayad, after my arrival at Palestinian Authority headquarters in the West Bank city of Ramallah.

I hope George won't get mad. It's not like there was any tongue involved.... Good thing I only shook Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas (aka Abu Mazen)'s hand, though.

Anyway, i hope I can revive Israeli-Palestinian peace talks. I don't know WHY Palestine is so upset about Israel killing Islamic militants!

I SO could crush Ariel Sharon

Dear Diary,

I'm in Jerusalem today. I've never really realized that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is wider than he is tall. Huh. Who knew?

Last night I went to the Haim Shaban Forum dinner at the King David Hotel. It was one of the events commemorating the 10th anniversary of the assassination of the late prime minister Yitzhak Rabin. It was cool except I had to sit next to Sharon. He eats A LOT -- that is probably why he is so wide....

Don't hate the playa...

Dear Diary,

I don't like the way Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Saud al-Faisal was looking at me during the news conference today in Jeddah. I mean, the dude is wearing a picnic blanket on his head, and he wants me to believe that Saudi Arabia is going to work with the United States cooperate on fighting terrorism? LOL!

Do these headphones make me look silly?

Dear Diary,

I'm in Manama, Bahrain talking w/ peeps about a controversial U.S.-backed plan for democratic reform in the Middle East.

I am soooo sick of political repression in Syria, damn! Their humans rights record sucks, too. Ya'll gonna get yer shit isolated, if you don't watch out. I swear to God, I am going to fix this region before 2008.

Tee hee. I wonder why we call this the "Forum for the Future" conference? These headphones look like they're from 1995!

Doesn't Bahraini Information Minister Mohammed Abdull Ghafar's head scarf look really silly? Sillier than my headphones, anyway....

Surprise, bitches!

Dear Diary,

I had to creep up on Mosul today. Iraqi Prime Minister, Ibrahim al-Jaafari, totally did NOT expect me to show up in the Green-Zone! I don't think he's taking enough advantage of the power we've given him. I mean, it would be really cool if the unabated violence could stop in time for the December 15 elections.

I've tried to express my views to the Iraqi people by expressing my views to reporters. I'm always all, "Differences of history or tradition, culture or ethnicity... can be a strength rather than a handicap." And then I'm like, "I want to talk about the importance of reaching across the sectarian divide, and the future of Iraq has to be one which includes everyone." But I don't think the people with the car bombs were listening.

WASSUP?!

Dear Diary,

Word up! Today I spoke at the American Bar Association. It was pretty cool. I told them that the USA has always respected our international legal obligations and we have led the world in developing new international law. I also said that the virtue of the rule of law is not that it erases all human imperfection but that it upholds a standard of justice that enables democratic societies to improve themselves over time- ha ha ha ha ha!

It's so tiresome that I have to keep saying things like this when the President clearly stated that we do not torture. I think people are getting the administration confused with the CIA. Dummies.

Peace out -- I'm off to Bahrain!

Get a clue, Pakistan

Dear Pakistan,

FYI: You are NOT India. I'm all trying to DE-hyphenate our relationship with you and South Asia. I mean, it's cool if you work with us to counter-act terrorism, but there is no way we are going to share our nukes with you.

PS- Don't even think I'm not going to be all up in that Kashmir shit.

No thanks!

Boo! I totally do NOT want to meet with Ahmad Chalabi this week! He totally messed up our pre-war intelligence, and don't even get me started about how he's probably giving all of our goverment secrets to Iran. I don't know why he was made the "go-to" guy in Iraq for oil. LAME! I am SO over traitors!

YES! YES! YES!

Dear Diary!

I totally think Brazil's Foreign Minister, Celso Amorim has a MAJOR CRUSH on me!

*Sigh*

Brazilian guys are so dreamy!

Yes, you are on my list.

Dear Diary,

I'm so tired of countries that violate religious freedoms.

Why can't everyone be like the USA and know that God's wrath will befall those who are intolerant?

I didn't feel like adding Pakistan, Uzbekistan and Turkmenistan to my blacklist of China, Iran, Myanmar, North Korea, Eritrea, Sudan, Cuba, and Saudi Arabia -- so they are totally lucky their asses aren't going to be sanctioned to death.

Brasilia...

I SO hate Laura.

PS- Steven Hadley smells like swamp water.

Does it look like he's thinking about me?

Dear Diary,

This second plenary session of Fourth Summit of the Americas is B-O-R-I-N-G!

I wish I could see George's face. I wonder if he's thinking about me.

I hope he's thinking about me.

The first plenary session of the fourth Summit of the Americas at Mar del Plata, Argentina

Can YOU understand this crazy translator?

Tee hee!

I wonder if I should care...

Dear Diary,

It's really hard being such an important global figure. There are so many problems around this big, crazy world of ours, and yet there is only so much Peace and Justice I can spread. Is it wrong for me to focus my energies and resources on the Middle East and other oil producing nations, when clearly the rest of the planet is in chaos?

I'm not one to quibble over moral dilemmas, but I keep hearing about disturbing events, and they make me pause and wonder: Should I care?

There are riots from Addis Ababa to Paris to Zimbabwe. Genocide in Sudan. Famine and starvation in Niger. I'm not even sure what's going on in Haiti....

The point is, I can't do all and be all things to all people -- try though I might. And while I feel guilty about this, I need to realize that I'm fighting for a larger concept: Freedom -- and Freedom is far more important than a few people in the third world, right?

Yes it is.

Back of the bus?!

Dear Diary,

I am really sick of playing second fiddle to Laura! I am the Secretary of State! I am an important D-I-P-L-O-M-A-T! What has Laura ever done? Killed someone in a car accident? Big deal!

I'll show these suckas in Mar del Plata that I mean BIZNIZZ!

BOO-TO-THE-YAH!

Dear Diary,

Who do you think made Barbara Walter's list of the 10 most fascinating people of 2005? Hmmm? Who?

ME! THAT'S WHO!

It just goes to show that I am doing an awesome job.

note to self...

Spike Lee won't vote for me for President. Add Spike to list of people I hate.

Where the $%*@ is Ukraine?

Dear Diary,

Today I'm in Washington for bilateral talks with Prime Minister Yuriy Yekhanurov. Why do I have to talk to this guy? Does Ukraine even have any oil? What DO they have? Anything?

Sometimes my job is so totally boring.

are you sure the black won't rub off onto me?

Dear Diary,

Here's me with Sudan's First Vice President, Salva Kiir.

I'm pretty sure Sudan is sponsering terrorism, so I'm glad we extended our sanctions against them.

He'd better start explaining what the fuck is going on in Darfur. Any story about how 2 million people got displaced has GOT to be good!

Stupid genocide country.