A Libris = A Stupidus

Dear Diary,

Tonight I went to 2006 National Book Festival Gala at the Library of Congress.

It was totally fancy, and I looked way hot in my black outfit.

The only bad part of the night was sitting next to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, who smells like ass. I got to sit next to George, too! And even though Laura was on the other side of him... we all know who he was really looking at when she got up to accept her award for some book thing she did.

You think she's prettier than I am!?

Dear Diary,

Today I met with Greek Foreign Minister Dora Bakoyannis at the State Department in Washington, DC.

Everyone was checking her out. They never check me out. WHY DON'T THEY EVER CHECK ME OUT!?

You know what? I don't really care. Peter "hot-pants" MacKay likes me. I don't need the rest of them!

Oh yeah. Bakoyannis and I also talked about how Greece rules at being the president of the UN Security Council.

So over bigotry!

Dear Diary,

Today I had an interview with Katie Couric. Aside from us talking about how awesome I was a National Security Advisor, and how awesome I am as Secretary of State, we talked about what it was like for me to grow up in the segregated South, afraid of white people.

I remember very well in 1963, when Birmingham was so violent. When it acquired the name "Bomb-ingham." Diary, I remember feeling that even with my wonderfully protective family, you had to wonder "why are they doing this to us?" I was really upset when the church blew up 2 miles from our house and the four little girls were killed. One of the girls, Denise McNair was my little friend from kindergarten. And she was a playmate and I just couldn't believe that she was dead.

All people who commit terror against innocents do it for the same purpose. Some people say "well they do it to prove a political point." Then why go after little girls? These little girls weren't gonna hurt anybody. They didn't have any political power. This was just meant to terrorize the community. It's the worst kind of inhumanity to just go after innocent people who are just going about their daily lives like those little girls who were just in the bathroom after Sunday school.

That's why we need armies to go in and bomb out the terrorists from places like Iraq and Afghanistan. To bomb them before they can bomb us. There is something beautiful about, as I said, "speaking for people who are voiceless." It feels really good when you can put words in the mouths of people who probably want democracy.

Africa unite...

Dear Diary,

I think it is so awesome that our fearless Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, is thinking about Africa. I mean, I think it could be really useful to have a U.S. military presence on the continent, so we can guard against potential threats to our glorious Democracy. We don’t want to have to deal with the fall-out from Africa’s war-ravaged, famine-plagued, malaria-carrying, very-thirsty people – especially when they are coming from huge expanses of ungoverned territory. It’s just such quick thinking that if we get in now, we can prevent other situations like Iraq. The last thing we need is an increased presence of Al Qaeda in the Heart of Darkness; the Islamic fundamentalism that’s increasing all over the place is a totally bad sign.

Worse news

Dear Diary,

I am VERY sad today. The number of US military deaths from the operations in Afghanistan and Iraq has now surpassed the death toll from the September 11 attacks. I mean, I never intended for another 2,973 American individuals to die. I thought we would just, like, go in and vanquish Saddam and set up some really lucrative business ventures. I didn’t really want 6,599 Iraqis to die violent deaths between July and August alone, either.

coup d'et--what?

Dear Diary,

Um. What happened in Thailand yesterday?

Those fools better make a return to democracy with a quickness. I'm totally suspending our military aid funds to them.

I hate countries with martial law.

Match made in poop

Dear Diary,

So yeah… it looks like President Hugo Chavez and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are BFF because today, Venezuela and Iran signed a ton of bilateral agreements for things like oil exploration and car production.

I mean, I’m sure their little party in Caracas was harmless – who cares about a joint petrochemical and steel company? – but I’m not down with the way the two of them have emerged all “outspoken-like” against the US. Like, why you gotta be all uppity about creating a world without the dominance of one single power?

It’s all I need to have Venezuela on the UN Security Council; why doesn’t Chavez just give Iran a bunch of enriched uranium and be quiet?

Religious Freedom is not in the Hizz-ouse!

Dear Diary,

Today the State Department's 2006 Annual Report on Religious Freedom was released.

China, Eritrea, Iran, Myanmar, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Vietnam -- you guys are totally BLACKLISTED! Afghanistan, Brunei, Cuba, Egypt, India, Israel, the Palestinian territories, Laos, Pakistan, Russia, Sri Lanka, Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan -- you guys are so ON NOTICE! Why ya'll gotta be engaging in or tolerating particularly severe violations of religious freedom? Obviously, Iran and Iraq are of concern too, but I'm really tired of talking about them.

It's too bad more countries can't be like the US, with our Freedom of Religion and our Separation of Church and State.

More importantly, there are rumors going around that Hotty McHotterson MacKay and I are "involved!" tee hee! I wish!!!!!!! He is soooo fine!

no really.

I'm not kidding. The Oval Office smells like ass right now.

ew...

Dear Diary,

Why do White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten, National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley and White House spokesman Tony Snow smell like A-S-S?

Sing it, girl!

Dear Diary,

I am totally going to bust out some sanctions on Iran next week at the P5-plus-1 meeting (aka the five permanent members of the UN Security Council: Britain, China, France, Russia and the United States, plus Germany). It’s like, so obvious that Iran doesn’t want to suspend its nuclear activities. It’s kind of hard to have negotiations if, you know, you cancel your meeting with European officials.

I was hanging out with Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni today, and she’s also worried that there might be a split in the coalition confronting the Islamic government in Iran. I mean, I know I would be totally sketched out if Iran didn’t recognize my country’s right to exist. Anyway, I’m sure the international community will be down with whatever, since this is not just a threat to Israel but a threat to the entire free world.

Oh, you!

Dear Diary,

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay is sooooo dreamy! I got to hang out with him today at the Museum of Industry in Stellarton, Nova Scotia. That man knows how to show a girl a good time!

In spite of all of MacKay's hotness, I still had to give a speech about how it's been mad hard to keep fighting a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan. I mean, I know we kind of owe it to the people of Afghanistan to help them finish the job of getting rid of their old,crappy, terrorist-harboring government and getting a new, shiny democratic one, since we kind of fucked them over in the 1980s. But really, why does the process have to be so difficult? Why does the Taliban even want to resurge? There's nothing in Afghanistan since we bombed the crap out of it 5 years ago. The people are all thirsty and stuff.

Whatevs. At least NATO's got our back.

9.11.06

Dear Diary,

As much as I wanted to rub up on Canadian Foreign Minister Peter MacKay with my mouth today, I couldn't. I was too sad -- sad thinking about all 2,973 of my people who were slaughtered by terrorists 5 years ago today.

2,973 HUMAN BEINGS.

I poured one out for them and wept.

Oops

Dear Diary,

So the secret got out on Friday. The Senate's Intelligence Committee released a 2005 CIA report that confirmed there was no formal relationship between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda prior to the Iraq war. It said that Iraq and al-Qaeda were ideologically poles apart, and that Saddam Hussein was distrustful of al-Qaeda and viewed Islamic extremists as a threat to his regime, refusing all requests from al-Qaeda to provide material or operational support.

Shit.

This totally is going to make my job way harder.

Damn you, NATO!

Dear Diary,

George and I have plans to go to Estonia on November 27....

No US president has ever been there.

Where is it?!

sort of a downer...

Dear Diary,

I'm kind of bummed out that Iraqi ministry of health says more than 1,500 people were killed in attacks in Baghdad last month. And that's only a little less than the Iraquis who died in July. I was really sort of hoping the sectarian violence would just go away on it's own, like a scab. You know, if you don't pick at it....

You've just got reach around like this...

Dear Diary,

So it looks like I'm going to Nova Scotia for the fifth year anniversary of the September 11 terrorism attacks. I know, right?! Isn't that weird? It seemed a little odd to me too, at first, but then I got to thinking about how super helpful Canada was after the attacks, and how they took all those re-routed flights. So, yeah. Halifax... yeah. Halifax. Right.

I guess the good thing is that I'll also get a chance to go to Stellarton -- the parlimentary district of Canadian Foreign Minister, Peter "Hot Pants" MacKay. I am soooo glad the Canadian Conservative party is back in power.

This means you, Kanye!

Dear Diary

I know the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina just passed, but I am so mad that people are still saying that we were "negligent" about most of Katrina's victims in New Orleans because they were black.

I mean, I am black, and I certainly don’t feel neglected by the government!!!

Do you know what first really attracted me to this President when he was governor? It wasn't foreign policy. It was his education policies. It was the fact that he was deeply disturbed that minority kids couldn't -- and third grade couldn't read at third grade level. And he had a phrase that he used: "the soft bigotry of low expectations." And that's what initially attracted me to this President because I've seen it. I've seen what is happening to our kids, particularly in inner city schools where they're not being educated, where they're being warehoused, where by third grade, they're already behind, where by seventh grade, they have no chance and where by tenth grade, they've dropped out.

And it makes me furious that people aren't more outraged about that. And that he was outraged about that and wanted to have accountability and wanted to have kids tested so that we knew what kind of intervention was needed and wanted to hold schools accountable, I found very important. So when African Americans think about this President, I hope they would think about that. I hope they would think about the efforts he's made at minority homeownership, which he believes is the kind of core.

You know, in my community and in Birmingham, whether you were working class or middle class, you owned your home. That was a piece of America for you. And the President has been really active in faith-based -- in getting faith-based institutions to be able to carry out the compassion agenda, whether it's dealing -- helping single moms or helping drug-addicted people or helping people returning from prison.

In our community, our churches have always been a part of our social network and that the President recognizes, that the federal government ought to recognize that and not discriminate against those programs just because they're based in churches, so I think it's something that African Americans ought to be very attracted to. And so I think -- and you know, and the President almost immediately said, of course, we're going to extend the civil rights -- the Voting Rights Act.

I mean that all just makes sense. Black people love churches! The government loves churches! Two great tastes that could potentially taste great together! We totally don’t need secular public assistance programs that can provide, you know, unbiased and nonjudgmental help!!!

Iraq is the new Civil War

Dear Diary,

I am so tired of having to defend the war in Iraq. In my interview in Essence Magazine, I tried to help people put it into perspective:

Iraq War = Civil War

I think my analogy is pretty good, because it seems pretty clear to me that if it is Right and Just to use war to free people from tyranny, then it is also Right and Just to free people from tyranny (by using use the subterfuge of WMDs and threats to national security in order to justify said war).

I’ll admit the Iraq War, just like the Civil War, has the heavy price of many lives; however, in the end, you have to do what is Right and Just for future generations. How would it have been if the North’s real interest in ending slavery was to eliminate the South’s labor source in order to benefit industrial factory production and decrease marketplace competition? That would be like saying America’s real interest in Iraq is for Halliburton to benefit from the requisition and consequential subcontracting of Iraq’s oil fields – which is just so not true.

I’m just glad that, despite the critics, both wars have Justice on their sides – and that is what really counts!

PS- Today I had a meeting with the Emir of Kuwait, Sheikh Sabah Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah, and it was totally boring.

Seriously? No, SERIOUSLY?

Dear Diary,

I’m having a bit of an existential crisis. I just can’t understand why Laura is always around! Doesn’t he trust my opinions? Am I not the Secretary of State?! We are super busy trying to “clear, hold and lead” in Iraq and not leave any children behind at the same time! Doesn’t she realize she is distracting us from these serious political dilemmas? Doesn’t she realize that the polls are showing that Republicans are going to lose a lot of positions in the midterm elections? Gahhhhhh!!!!!!!!